A Trip Down Nostalgia Lane- Fear and Childhood

And so, to begin. I was a highly anxious child. A highly anxious child who grew into a highly anxious adult…but I am getting ahead of myself. Introverted and shy, I would stick to myself (unless among the closest of my friends) and focus on the project at hand (at school) or the book of interest (at home). Climbing a tree, or swinging on the monkey bars brought welcome relief from the imminent threat of being asked to play tag, or netball, or indeed any other game that involved forced socialising and competition. I read so many books that by the time I was 12 or 13 our local librarian ran out of novel options to suggest (though I just transitioned from fiction to non-fiction and then back again later).

Every social interaction I had was largely dictated by what others expected of me and due to this, I had already become extremely observant of the social behaviors of others by the age of seven or eight. I was determined not to stick out and be mocked for doing something silly or outside the norm. Unfortunately the nature of anxiety means that one’s responses are often out of the norm anyway, because the individual expressing anxiety is under so much stress that normal communication is somewhat stilted. I was perpetually afraid of judgement or being seen to be “a scam”, a person not worthy of existence. Now I know that that feeling is called Imposter Syndrome, and perhaps it was likely that I also had depression. Nonetheless I did my best.

I found some close friends around the age of seven or eight and I distinctly remember us having wondering times at lunchtime climbing trees, discussing what we’d do and who we’d want alive in the event of the apocalypse, and tricking the teachers into thinking we were injured/crying by putting water in our eyes (though I bowed out of doing the last one, because I was afraid of being found out). You know…normal kid stuff, right?

I think it must’ve been my curiosity that stopped my fears from closing in on me and making my world smaller.My curiosity and my interest in the perspectives of others. I always wanted to push my own boundaries from a young age, scaring my parents by climbing trees to near the top, hanging upside down on the monkey bars, and sneaking across the hallway towards the ajar lounge door with my best friend, and trying not to get caught.

“Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.”

— James Stephens.

Now, growing older, I finished primary school and moved onto intermediate school. Where we immediately got treated as much more mature individuals and had classes which changed for each subject just like most high schools do. My intellect felt validated, my social skills seemed optimised, and it possibly was still two of my favourite years of schooling because I felt challenged in mostly every dimension. But even here fear had a hold of me.

I didn’t manage to find a group to perform with for school camp talent quest. This meant that I was so petrified of performing solo (which for some stupid reason was compulsory) that I hid in the corner, unable to enjoy most of the performances due to the mounting terror that I’d be found out, and punished with some form of humiliation. At the end of it all, nothing happened that evening. Ee were called out the next day during clean-up, and made to clean up the bathrooms as punishment. I felt so immensely relieved that no humiliation was coming our way that I must’ve seemed like quite an oddball, almost joyfully cleaning up the bathroom that the other girls were “grossing out” on.

So intermediate school came and went; on to high school. Overall my confidence was slowly growing in some areas while remaining low in others. For example, my social confidence was quite good, but I remember a classmate recognising my pen as being branded with a condom logo (free pens) and I got so flustered and embarrased that I could barely think for 5 mins. Fortunately my classmate didn’t make a big deal of it. I was 14. From that day on, I made sure that the words on that pen were well obscured by liquid twink.

It wasn’t really until I left high school that I fully realised how much control I had over my own self-esteem and fear. University is a wonderful place to discover and masimise one’s potential and I really relished being given total creative freedom of my time, and my mind. I really started living. I began to regularly test my limits and realise that I am capable of much more than I has been allowing myself to do. My world grew larger, and my dreams inflated. I began to think outside of the box my mind had been imprisoned in for all that time.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

– Anais Nin

Of all the areas that my confidence grew in, interpersonal relationships were, by far, one of the most powerful areas of growth. I already had a decent amount of self-awareness and this only became greater. I became more decisive, with decisions almost always based on carefully reasoned logic. I began to realise how powerful my voice was, and that, if I spoke up, people would listen. I became class rep for four of my papers, and Treasurer, later President of a organisation related to my chosen major. By making more assertive and more frequent decisions, I successfully side-stepped the enormous fear that I was used to, based upon procrastination and uncertainly. I began to live outside of my box of fear.

Finally, and most powerfully I realised that I was captain of this ship, otherwise know as my mind. No-one and nothing could control my responses to what happened to me, except me. And knowing that I was in control and able to steer my own course brought to me a feeling of peace unlike any other. I begane to control my mind-box and any fear within it.

“I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.”

— Rosa Parks

Lastly, I managed to lasso this newly built confidence into a tool that meant I was also fairly good at doing relationships, and the emotional feedback from that was very validating.

I was learning, to live boldly, with limited regrets and that made me, and continues to make be feel powerful and in control of myself every single day.

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”

— Bertrand Russell

So, to conclude, while we all have fears of all different kinds, at many different times in our lives, just remember that fear is part of our journeys. Overcoming it is optional, but preferred. Fear is lack of understanding or knowledge. And it is that knowledge and self-awareness that continue to empower me in my everyday decisions. Thank-you for reading. I will finish with a quote by one of the scientists I admire very much:

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”

— Marie Curie